Big Kisses

That's right, big kisses from our amazing Super Ty to my few faithful readers!! :) I told Steve the other day that I think blogging may just be the outlet that I've so desperately needed. I love to write, but I find it hard at this point in life to even stumble upon reason to do so. I've tried the whole "keeping a journal" thing more times than I'd like to admit. It just doesn't work for me. And in case you're dyyying with curiosity, here's why:

1. I always start by writing every day. I use it as a bible study/prayer journal type deal. I'm always super exciting about it at first. Then after about a week, I go back and read what I've already written and find that I don't like it...or me! So I just quit.

2. I have no idea why, but I can't be honest in a journal. I either get all emotional so that everything sounds way worse (or better) than it really is, or I get all spiritual and come across way more focused and godly than I will ever be this side of heaven. Either way, I find what I've written to be only half true and I'm left horrified at the thought of anyone reading it...even after I'm dead.

3. Even worse than the half truths I find are the flat out lies. It's terrifying to discover how deeply and dangerously I have lied to myself. I find it nearly unbearable to see the struggle between my flesh and spirit laid out on paper. What's worse is to look back and see how naive I can be, how easily I am tricked into thinking I have everything under control only to find later the layers of evidence left by a web of sin that had so invisibly entangled me.

4. Some things you just don't want to hang onto, you know? I've been tempted to burn every journal I've begun. I've wanted to rip pages right out of the book, as if destroying the words would somehow rid me of that entire season of life. I get a little too caught up in trying to figure out what's really going to matter and what was just stupid. I realize that I'm being stupid, so my answer is usually just to put the dumb journal up somewhere out of sight...and start a new one. Great idea, moron!

Now I have a place for my thoughts, and if I don't like them later I'll just delete them! :) It's more than that though, there's purpose. I like the idea of being able to give a little bit more of myself to my friends and family out there who are willing to take the time to embrace it. I like the fact that putting myself out here like this holds me accountable in ways that a journal doesn't. I have no idea who might read this, so I have to make sure it's the real me who ends up on the screen. If I "preach" about a faith that can stand up to things like lost jobs and lots of poopy diapers every day, then I have to make sure the real, physical me actually strives to live out that faith day to day. So thank you for reading. Thank you for holding me accountable in your silent and supportive way.