Have you been crucified?

I have. Perhaps you have, too. "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." ~Galatians 5:24-25

I'm no spiritual genius by any standards, but I've learned a lot in the past few months about how these verses play out in my own life. I don't know about you, but I have to put my sinful nature through that process daily...okay, multiple times throughout any given day. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good. It's not even completely what I want. Choosing to live by the Spirit means killing the sinful nature. It's death. Painful and real.

Maybe it doesn't feel that way to you. Maybe your relationship with Christ is so strong that you don't have to fight off that old, sinful part of you in the extreme ways that I do. If that's the case, just praise God that what I need to say today sounds like nonsense to you!

I don't know if it's because I didn't meet Christ until I was 15 years old (for me, that was plenty of time to experience the fleeting pleasure of sin) or if it's because my nature is just more depraved then some. I struggle though. I mean I struggle a lot. I love Christ. I do. I believe God's Word. I hear His voice. I know His amazing love, His unmatched comfort, His abounding grace. Yet I live in this constant struggle between wanting immediate gratification and longing to wait indefinitely on my Lord. I require constant reminders that sin has no power over me. It's True. Why can't I get that through my thick skull...through the depths of my hard heart??

Sometimes the battles within me are small and sometimes they are seemingly insurmountable, but I'm in a constant state of awareness regarding my tendency toward sin. Do you feel that way? Or are you able to function from day to day with such an undeniable understanding and consciousness of greater things that you don't even notice the sinful nature inside you? If you ever find yourself passing through this place (that's right, this valley of total awareness of sin, this place that I live), take heart dear friends. We are in good company. It is Paul who inevitably first crosses my mind. Grab your precious copy of God's Word and join me in Romans. I stand with Paul today and proclaim "What a wretched man am I! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord!"~Romans 7:24-25

Though keenly aware of the sinful desires still within me, praise God that I can also join with Paul in his confidence:

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."~Romans 8:38-39

Nothing. That means not even me or this exhausting struggle within my own heart. I find inexpressible comfort in the fact that I belong to Christ. He lives within me, and nothing can peel us apart. Sanctification is a bumpy road with many sharp curves and unexpected blockades. I often feel the slips and falls are bruising and breaking me in ways that will never heal, but in reality what's behind the ugliness is a heart that's looking more and more like that of Christ. I'm so thankful for this difficult, beautiful journey to future glory.

Astronomy...or Anatomy??

As I prepared lunch today, a Baby Einstein DVD played for the kids. As the little ones enjoyed the show, Tyler must have been listening to the lesson about our solar system. I overheard him saying, over and over again...

Earth, Mars, Penis! Earth, Mars, Penis!

Coincidentally, he's also recently learned the correct terminology for his little reproductive part. :)

I have no words...

I keep telling God, "Okay, this is my breaking point! Please stop!" But it doesn't stop. It's just one thing right after another...and another...and another... He keeps telling me that He can comfort the weary. More on that later, I promise, but tonight I want to share the devotional that came in my email today. There are many things calling my name right now, but praise be to God that His voice is in the mix!

Treasures in Darkness

TGIF Today God Is First

by Os Hillman

"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." - Isaiah 45:3

"I have never been in this place before. It is new ground for me, and I find I am way out of my comfort zone. I am scared to death to trust Him at this level. I had to confess to the Lord I have not been able to accept or believe His love for me in this area." Those were the words I expressed to a friend when I was in a difficult place in my life. That day when I confessed those words, God led me to this passage of Scripture.What we perceive as dark periods in our lives are designed to be treasures from God. They are actually riches stored in secret places. We cannot see those times in this light because of the often-accompanying pain or fear that prevents us from accepting these times as treasures. They have a particular purpose from God's viewpoint: "...so that you may know that I am the Lord...who summons you by name."You see, unless we are cast into times in which we are completely at God's mercy for breakthroughs in our lives, we will never experience God's faithfulness in those areas. We will never know how personal He is, or that He can be trusted to meet the deepest needs in our lives. God wants each of us to know that we are "summoned by name." Every hair of our head is numbered. He knows every activity we are involved in. His love for you and me knows no bounds, and He will take every opportunity to demonstrate this to us.Has God brought you into a place of darkness? Trust Him today to reveal that hidden treasure that can be found in this darkness. Let Him summon you by name.

I can see heaven!

We took the boys to the park this evening to enjoy this beautiful springtime weather. It was nice to get out and play, just the four of us. They ran around a bit then both had their eyes on the swings. Finally one became free, and Tyler made a run for it. It was a high swing. I had to lift him onto it. That's okay, he reminded me for the hundredth time today, "I'm a big boy!" I began to push him higher and higher, and his grin grew bigger and bigger. "That's high enough," he hollered down to me. Then I watched him studying the sky above, and with true 3 year old amazement, he said, "Moooom, I'm up so high I can see heaven!"

I know it was just blue sky and clouds. I do know that. But it honestly made me think about how sometimes we just need to take a break, feel the wind on our cheeks, and remember there's a heaven. And those of us who know and trust Christ have a true and eternal home there. We'll really get to see it one day! While I have to be a grown-up, and I have to pay the bills, and I have to meet my responsibilities here on earth, I want to never get soooo caught up in all of it that I forget it's my heavenly Father who's placed me here, just as I lifted Tyler onto that swing. Sometimes I need to rest my legs, let Him push me, and grin just a little bit bigger as He enables me to see beyond my fears and my daily struggles in this life.

Big Kisses

That's right, big kisses from our amazing Super Ty to my few faithful readers!! :) I told Steve the other day that I think blogging may just be the outlet that I've so desperately needed. I love to write, but I find it hard at this point in life to even stumble upon reason to do so. I've tried the whole "keeping a journal" thing more times than I'd like to admit. It just doesn't work for me. And in case you're dyyying with curiosity, here's why:

1. I always start by writing every day. I use it as a bible study/prayer journal type deal. I'm always super exciting about it at first. Then after about a week, I go back and read what I've already written and find that I don't like it...or me! So I just quit.

2. I have no idea why, but I can't be honest in a journal. I either get all emotional so that everything sounds way worse (or better) than it really is, or I get all spiritual and come across way more focused and godly than I will ever be this side of heaven. Either way, I find what I've written to be only half true and I'm left horrified at the thought of anyone reading it...even after I'm dead.

3. Even worse than the half truths I find are the flat out lies. It's terrifying to discover how deeply and dangerously I have lied to myself. I find it nearly unbearable to see the struggle between my flesh and spirit laid out on paper. What's worse is to look back and see how naive I can be, how easily I am tricked into thinking I have everything under control only to find later the layers of evidence left by a web of sin that had so invisibly entangled me.

4. Some things you just don't want to hang onto, you know? I've been tempted to burn every journal I've begun. I've wanted to rip pages right out of the book, as if destroying the words would somehow rid me of that entire season of life. I get a little too caught up in trying to figure out what's really going to matter and what was just stupid. I realize that I'm being stupid, so my answer is usually just to put the dumb journal up somewhere out of sight...and start a new one. Great idea, moron!

Now I have a place for my thoughts, and if I don't like them later I'll just delete them! :) It's more than that though, there's purpose. I like the idea of being able to give a little bit more of myself to my friends and family out there who are willing to take the time to embrace it. I like the fact that putting myself out here like this holds me accountable in ways that a journal doesn't. I have no idea who might read this, so I have to make sure it's the real me who ends up on the screen. If I "preach" about a faith that can stand up to things like lost jobs and lots of poopy diapers every day, then I have to make sure the real, physical me actually strives to live out that faith day to day. So thank you for reading. Thank you for holding me accountable in your silent and supportive way.

Here we go again...

What? Dude, you gotta be kidding me!

That's how we feel right now. This can't be for real. We can't honestly be living this same stinkin' cycle of disappointment and what-the-heck-are-we-gonna-do-now-ness. Yet somehow here we are. Steve sent me a text message yesterday morning, which he rarely does. I heard my little text noise and thought "oh cool, something interesting." I don't get texts very often these days. But it was him, and it said "I have sucky news." I had to double check the number, and then I briefly wondered what weirdo had stolen my sweet, old (only compared to me!), bald husband's phone. I'll admit, "sucky" tends to find it's way into my own vocabulary on occasion, but I never hear him use that particular word. So I knew immediately and without doubt that whatever might follow was BAD. He hadn't forgotten his lunch, he didn't have to work late, this wasn't even fender bender language. I quickly texted back, "what." While I waited, I mindlessly shoveled food into a hungry child's mouth and my mind wandered...he's gone, he's fallen in love with someone else....no, that's dumb...someone died...no, suuuurely that would be worth more than a text message...he's lost his job...yep, that's it...here we go again.

Sure enough, the company he worked for decided to do away with his position. He'd just let his boss know that he exceeded his goal for the month, had nothing but positive feedback, no warning whatsoever, and they gave him a one day notice that his job was simply no longer existent. Lovely. Unfortunately my job pays more in hugs and kisses than in actual dollar amounts. Soooo, I fell into dreamland last night going over and over every immediate option I could possibly think of, only to find that each and every one will leave us significantly short financially. At the moment it looks like Steve will try to deliver for DHL again at a desperate salary of half the one he just lost. The nice part of that would be that he could start immediately.

Here's what I'm holding onto. This time around there's more peace in me. I feel considerably less frantic than the 10 million other times this has happened to us. One of my first thoughts was "oh no, we're going to lose this house!" But here's what I know...I know for certain that this house has been a blessing from God. It's a LOT of house for the amount of rent we pay, and it has enabled me to run my childcare business. I know for sure it's where I belong right now. The Lord has given me a love for these children and a desire to care for them that exceeds anything I'd ever expected. I believe He'll provide in a way that we can stay. And you know what, if He has others plans we'll still be okay. We just will. He'll see to it.

Yesterday afternoon I stood at the sink washing some dishes and gazing out the window, taking a break from forcing the smile on my face for the kiddos. I saw something beautiful. A tiny little bird flew right up and landed there in front of me, peered in through my window as if with a smile, and then he flew off without a thought. As I stood there, still in shock from the news, I took comfort in being a child of God...

Matthew 6:25-27

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?"...and then vs.33-34 "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Hooray for Warmer Weather!

The kids are having so much fun getting to go outside now that it's warm enough! It's sooo much easier this year, too. They can all walk, and they don't try to eat leaves and rocks and everything else they can get their curious little hands on. Nice! They are so cute, too. Before I even say "outside" I have to get all the diapers changed and all their little shoes on. Otherwise they're all standing at the door whining before I'm ready to set them free. I have to put Tony's shoes on just before we go, too. He has this enormous fear that I'm going to get him all ready to go and then leave without him. He's done this to us ever since he understood the whole idea of "going." If we put his jacket or shoes on and don't head straight for the door with him, he freaks out on us. Like we've gotten him all ready to go, and now we're going to sneak out without him!

Anyway, the kids are just great. I say "outside," and they all run to the door. If I'm fast enough I get to hold each child's hand as they go down the steps on the porch. I learned ever so quickly which ones to help first, too. Dillon and Garrett will just tumble right on down if they don't get to go first! Sweet little Brianna, on the other hand, won't even step out the door onto the porch without my hand. Once out though, somehow Bri manages to make a bigger mess of herself than any of the boys do! Here are some pictures of a messy day for all of us..

Garrett is an artist just like his Mommy.

This masterpiece is Tyler's.

Dillon likes to help with whatever I'm working on.

Maybe Tony's not much for drawing, but he sure is excited!

And here's Brianna focused on her sidewalk creation.

Jump In!

Thanks Aunt Susan and Uncle Ike!! Their Christmas gift to Tyler was swim lessons at the Y. He's been sooo looking forward to it. Tyler is our little fish. He loves to go swimming, and he's really pretty good at it, too. He's not scared of the water at all, which can be a little scary for us parents. He can swim a little bit, but I like the idea of him learning more about how to be safe in the water and stay afloat for longer amounts of time and all that. He loves to practice holding his breath under the water in the bathtub...which tends to leave Tony a bit confused! :) I can't wait till summertime when we can get both the boys back out in the water. I don't know where we'll go yet, but we'll figure that out. I have a feeling that's how we'll spend a lot of our Saturdays. I hope Tony likes it as much as Ty always has! Maybe we'll get Gramma and Ga-Ga talked into a pool one of these years.

Swim lessons have also provided this overly possessive Mommy an opportunity to let go a little bit. Let me explain. Steve is a wonderful, fun Daddy. The boys and I are soooo blessed with him. I hear so many women talk about how uninvolved their husbands are with the kids. Steve wants to be a part of everything the boys do. He helps with get ready time, with bedtime, with diapers and other messy kid stuff, just everything really. He's a huge help to me! My own Dad didn't get too into the "kid stuff" when we were little. He's a great Dad, but he just wasn't involved the way Steve is. So I had my Mom with me ALL the time growing up. Every childhood memory includes being with her. So a lot times I get stuck feeling like I need to be the same way with my boys. I feel like I'm not being a great mom if I miss out on something. The thing is, that's really not fair to Steve or to the boys. I'm home with our little guys every day. I get to see a lot of the firsts, and I get to love on them all the time. So lately I've been thinking about how they need some special time alone with Daddy, too.

We were afraid if we took Tony to swim lessons, he'd be really mad the whole time when we found out he couldn't get in the water with Bubba. So I decided this was my chance. Steve was really excited to have a special time alone with Tyler, and they both really enjoyed it. Oh, and I didn't die either. It was actually nice. I got a break from my completely non-stop preschooler, and it turned out Tony was pretty happy to have some alone time with his Mommy. He got in my lap, and we cuddled nearly the whole time Steve and Ty were gone. If you know Tony at all, you know that NEVER happens!! So I learned how precious that one on one time can be and how much of a gift it is to Steve to make sure that he gets that with our boys, too.

Five Years

I feel like we've been a part of each other forever. Yet somehow it seems like yesterday that I was all dressed up saying "I do." We celebrated our 5th anniversary in November. It's just crazy how time flies. I can't believe how quickly my little baby Tyler turned into this handsome, stubborn, creative, brilliant little boy. I'm reminded today to enjoy each moment of breath, of beauty, yes of craziness with all these kiddos, that God is gracious enough to allow. Praise Him today; for his mercies are new every morning. How wonderful that we can't wear them out. No matter where we are or where we've been, His grace is sufficient. Great is His faithfulness indeed!